so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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