You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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