Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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