he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
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