I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
