I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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