why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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