I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
