Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
