Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
