I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
