cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
