when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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