Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
