My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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