i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
