So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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