Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
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