I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
vagina is talking i cant
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
