This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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