barbara walters just said penis...
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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