If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
