I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
