i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
