He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
