what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
