I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize