what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
