what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
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