I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
