I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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