chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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