I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
