Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
