if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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