his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Randomize
