people are starting to question the shark bite story
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
