Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Randomize
