I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
