My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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