worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
