Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
