I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
