next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
