I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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