forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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