Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Randomize
