too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
