either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
