Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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