You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
