she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Randomize