life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
