If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
