She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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