Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
