Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
