a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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