So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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