I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
