and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
