If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
