theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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