how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
