the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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