Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
