I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
