my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
