dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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