I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
