I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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