I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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