Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
