I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
